


fifth house, why not?

by emty278



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: One Shot, That's really it, hasan minhaj - Freeform, i didn't think i would but i did
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 04:28:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19456354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emty278/pseuds/emty278
Summary: just a thought that sprouted into my head while watching hasan minhaj. its very ridiculous and i might be too ridiculous, but eh? you know.------------------------dumbledore: what the twiddly fuck?





	fifth house, why not?

**Author's Note:**

> my summary said everything. just little snapshots into people that kinda i felt probably screwed up the sorting hat, so with hasan minhaj's input (https://youtu.be/ZVqIwVEf1VE) i was like why not.

to begin the sorting hat was a very old being. not many things could get it worked up. he sorted famous witches and wizards, had many hat stalls, but these definitely would take the cake. 

to begin, was voldemort:

(i know surprised me when i thought of it too)

but back then this little boy with curly black hair walked up to the stool sitting in front of the whole hall and a hat was set upon his tiny head

sorting hat: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-

tom: wot?

sorting hat: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

tom: *takes hat off* professor, the hat isn't working

everyone: *whispers*

sorting hat: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

professor: *gives back to tom* just try again

tom: *puts the hat back on* hello, sir? are you alright?

sorting hat: uuuuuuuuuck. well yes, i am thank you. no one ever asked that?

tom: i wouldnt've but your in my head, so i did. are you alright? what house am i in?

sorting hat: i need to get paid. actually you know what after the future i've seen for you. your best suited to

sorting hat: HAGRID'S HOUSE (we're just going to ignore that hagrid's house didn't exist yet)

tom: alright then, at least its finally off

then, after narrowly avoiding a war, the sorting hat has to face another battle. this time against the politics of the shifting times, seeing a shaggy haired boy, who was definitely a black, walked up to him, he was right about to announce slytherin, but 

sorting hat: what the fuck?

sirius: hi, um i don't want to be in slytherin

sorting hat: bitch what the fuck

sirius: you can put me in ravenclaw or something just not slytherin

sorting hat: i'm going to get burned at the stake, you know what i don't get paid at all. fuck it

sirius: ... 

everyone else: ... *murmuring to the croud*

sorting hat: HAGRID'S HOUSE

everyone else: ...

dumbledore: what the twiddly fuck?

sirius: *grins* alright mate bet

then after everything else. 

the world has the serious nerve to produce such a boy, such a boy. how dare they. why does everything the sorting hat does have to cause wars from happening. helga literally said that oh it was an easy job, you just stay awake for one night out of the ENTIRE year and that's all your have to do.

thats not all the sorting hat had to do. by this point, hagrid house has helped in avoiding a war, a political meltdown of the ministry, and now this:

a little brown boy

walks down to the stool

his forehead unmarred

climbs uptop

and is covered by the hat

sorting hat: hello

harry: hello

sorting hat: you're normal

harry: why thank you?

sorting hat: how are you so normal?

harry: i don't think my parents would agree. but alright

sorting hat: this is all my fault i should've just sorted them properly from the beginning, why is this boy so well adjusted, all of them are supposed to fucked up so that i can sort them. this is what i get for saving the wizarding world. you know what. fuck it. i'll do this one last this. this is the last. yes. 

harry: so gryffindor?

sorting hat: HAGRID'S HOUSE

dumbledore: you know what, by this point. lets move one. odmint. tinkpo. biddly bree. continue on.

then, the world had the audacity to introduce this person. this innocent cherubic child to the world. 

that blond haired child

sat down on the stool

and made sure that the sorting hat would never sort after that year.

sorting hat: yOu'rE peRfecT

scorpius: you really think so?

sorting hat: what the fuck? 

scorpius: that was insulting. i thought you just complemented me?

sorting hat: mother earth, people are not supposed to be this perfect. bitch, why the fuck not. after this, i'm retiring tho

scorpius: i'm glad to be your last sorting year then!

sorting hat: you'rE too perfect

sorting hat: HAGRID'S HOUSE

and after that the sorting hat retired, screaming at helga for creating it, the sorting hat is now haunted by all that it has changed, and all the effort it has had to spend.

**Author's Note:**

> also i always thought that the sorting hat could always see the future, so i was like bruh, why not?


End file.
